Sleeping At Last
by deathcurse
Summary: Long Arch's destruction during the JS Incident had taught Hayate that even the safest of home bases was not safe at all. Just like this time. All Hayate wanted was to sleep; a dreamless, easy sleep away from the scent of blood...


Sleeping At Last

Hayate couldn't believe that things had gone so badly, so fast.

Rein had taken most of the damage first, absorbing the brunt of the attack before Hayate even realized that her little partner had been doing it.

Thank god Hayate made it a habit to transform into her Barrier Jacket during all field command missions, regardless of whether or not she was expecting to see combat.

Because that was the point—combat was rarely _expected._ She had learnt that lesson watching her friends and family come close to death repeatedly…And Long Arch's destruction during the JS Incident had taught Hayate that even the safest of home bases was not safe at all.

Just like this time.

She coughed, pain rattling like shaken nails through her chest. That probably wasn't a good sign. Of course, the fact that she was lying on a floor wet with her own blood should have tipped her off about that sooner.

Hayate supposed that she ought to put pressure on the bleeding, but she wasn't quite sure where all the blood was coming from.

Broken monitors crackled static from the walls and ceiling. Rubble littered the floor, and from her limited perspective Hayate could see bodies slumped over keyboards and fallen chairs.

She could see sky. It was black with smoke and burning red, as if the fiery hell of the urban battleground had spread upwards into the heavens.

Every breath was a battle of its own.

Who was going to make dinner tonight? Shamal had been learning to cook, and she was doing well (they only got food poisoning once in the last month), but all her knights still preferred it when Hayate cooked their meals (and Hayate liked to do it. She loved to take care of her knights. Not cowering over the toilet sick to her stomach was a bonus). She had been planning on making a hot pot tonight.

That was a nostalgic thought…

How innocent Hayate had been then. Innocent at heart, and her hands had been clean of blood. Her faithful Wolkenritter had ensured that, refraining from killing during their efforts to complete the Book of Darkness. They hadn't wanted to taint her with the knowledge that people had died because of her.

Hayate had betrayed their kindness. She dreamed of darkness and of blood every night now, sick inside with the knowledge of what she had ordered done in her name. For behind the vast benevolence of the TSAB, lay pragmatic problems that slid under the rampant idealism of its officers.

But that was the price of command, wasn't it?

General Yagami was a different creature than little Hayate Yagami.

She'd rather bite down on her own screams in the dark, than have to see any of her family and friends do the same. Hayate only cracked once, and that was when she had gone to dinner at Nanoha and Fate's house, a cheerful smile painted on her face after a usual day's work. She had known what the outcome of the mission would be, and yet she had sent a squad of young and eager officers anyway. Because she had to. Because things had to be done. And Hayate smiled, because she didn't want to make any of her friends' happiness fall.

Then she had looked across the table and met Chrono's eyes.

He knew. He understood. And the same hidden misery stared back at her for an instant, even as he acted his usual long-suffering, surly self for his wife and his sister.

Hayate had excused herself from the table. She had barely made it to the washroom and locked the door before breaking down in tears over the running tapwater.

A General didn't get her stars without walking across a field of blood. Hayate hadn't believed it before—she had naively believed in her own strength and idealism as a young girl. But corrupted or no, those in command all stood in the same piles of bodies on their way to the top. The only difference for Hayate was that _her _victims had died believing that what they fought for was worthwhile.

A small solace for the dead. A useless consolation for those left behind.

Hayate could smell smoke through the copper tang of blood.

If people were still alive, Hayate should cast Atem des Eises to douse the fires before they all burned or choked on the smoke. A moan rattled through Hayate's throat as one of her hands scrabbled weakly on the cracked tile of the mobile command centre. She had lost her staff somewhere, and it didn't look like she could find it from where she was lying.

_Get it together, Hayate!_

Whimpering, Hayate rocked herself onto her side, coughing out blood. Her fallen hat was dotted with red now. Broken bits of her armour spread outward like the aftermath of an explosion from her spot, making little golden and black islands in the spreading blood pool.

Would anyone still be alive? Was there a point for Hayate to die in agony, when she could just lie here peacefully?

She just wanted to sleep.

Hayate just wanted a dreamless sleep, finding oblivion behind her closed eyelids instead of hell. Was that too much to ask for?

It would be so easy, to sleep.

She could buy her peace with her own blood this time, rather than that of those who trusted her to keep them alive.

But what about her knights? The thought sent a blaze of emotion through Hayate's lethargy, making her cry out in pain as her muscles tensed and made her insides move agonizingly.

They had decided to live one life with her, rather than an immortal one with the Book of Darkness. If Hayate went to sleep here, the Wolkenritter would…

Signum. Shamal. Zafira. Vita…It wasn't fair.

Hayate just wanted to sleep.

**O**

_You can't let them die._

I just want to sleep.

_You can't _kill _them._

It hurts too much. It's too cold.

_Fight. _

I don't want to fight anymore.

_They only have one life with you._

Maybe…maybe this _is _the one life. I'm dying.

**O**

My knights.

My family.

I'm sorry. It hurts too much, everywhere. Worst of all is inside my head, when I close my eyes and try to rest. I just want to sleep.

I love all of you.

**O**

A shuddering breath trickled out of Hayate's mouth.

**O**

Nanoha Takamachi hated cowards.

Well, _hate _was probably too strong a word. But Nanoha believed in fighting for important things, and in never giving up. A person had to fight for the things that she valued in the world.

…But maybe that's what Hayate-chan was doing after all.

Fighting.

"Vita?" Nanoha said gently from the doorway. She wanted to put a hand on Vita's head to comfort her, but the red-headed knight would probably respond by punching her. Only Hayate had permission to pat Vita on the head.

Vita didn't let anyone touch her anymore.

The short knight grunted, but the tone wasn't argumentative. "In a minute. Please."

Nanoha waited.

Vita's shoulders trembled. "We're all doing well. We miss you, but…but don't you worry about us. Just rest easy, Hayate."

A steady beeping was her only answer. Nanoha had to admit…she hadn't seen such a peaceful expression on Hayate's sleeping face for a long, long time. The yellow, purple and pink flowers around the bed were tucked around the myriad of machines, all beeping away rhythmically under the gentle hiss of the respirator.

Nanoha, Fate and the rest of Hayate's friends alternated shifts by the sleeping woman's side, waiting (hoping) for Hayate to wake up.

No matter who else was already there, one of the Wolkenritter was ever present by their mistress' bedside. But it seemed to Nanoha that they weren't waiting for Hayate to wake up, but were…guarding her slumber.

As if they had charged themselves with protecting Hayate's peace.

Vita finally let go of Hayate's hand and rose, walking silently past Nanoha and out the hospital room door. Nanoha paused, about to follow. Then she crept over to the bed and clasped Hayate's hand with hers for a moment.

"Hayate-chan…I wish you were back with us. But…go on sleeping for as long as you need."

Nanoha swallowed, then managed a small smile, although she knew that the still and sleeping Hayate could not see it.

"We'll be here when you wake up, someday."

* * *

><p><em>Sleeping at last, the trouble and tumult over,<br>Sleeping at last, the struggle and horror past,  
>Cold and white, out of sight of friend and of lover,<br>Sleeping at last._

_No more a tired heart downcast or overcast,_  
><em>No more pangs that wring or shifting fears that hover,<em>  
><em>Sleeping at last in a dreamless sleep locked fast.<em>

_Fast asleep. Singing birds in their leafy cover_  
><em>Cannot wake her, nor shake her the gusty blast.<em>  
><em>Under the purple thyme and the purple clover<em>  
><em>Sleeping at last.<em>

—Christina Georgina Rossetti

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's Note: The poem I had used for inspiration for this story doesn't quite fit anymore, after I had given in to pity at the end and decided not to kill Hayate (and so also all the Wolkenritter!) off =P. So we have the less depressing ending here, where Hayate gets to live. But the image is still one that's always stood out strongly for me, so I decided to use the poem to round off the story anyway =). <strong>_

_**The Wolkenritter are still canonically confirmed to be connected to Hayate's life (A's Sound Stage 3, Track 5), which prevented me from using my initial plan "Hayate dies alone and in agony" ending ^_- …however I had people point out that **_**this **_**"less depressing ending" is actually worse in a way, since Hayate couldn't even die peacefully! ^_^**_

_**This story isn't part of any of my other stories; it's just a fun exercise in cruelty for me! ^_-**_


End file.
